Why does every other mom make it look so easy?

I asked my mom, Dr. Adwoa Akhu (@adhdparentdoc), a clinical psychologist. She said it best: you’re comparing your inside to their outside, and a lot of them are masking. This is Ask Dr. Mom, part 3.

You’re comparing your inside to their outside

“You’re comparing your internal experience with their external experience. So it looks like they make it look easy. And for some of them, it might be easy. Some of them are not having trouble. But I guarantee you some of them are, and they are masking. So they’re making it look easy on the outside, but you have no idea how much struggle is going on in the inside.”

“One of the things I teach people when I’m coaching and providing therapy is to not compare yourself to other people, because you really don’t know what’s going on with them.”

Social media is a highlight reel

I will say that’s one thing about social media too. We’re just so used to seeing everyone’s highlight reel. There’s so much going on behind the scenes. Even me on social, it’s impossible to share the depth and breadth of what’s happening in life, the good, the bad, the ugly.

Compare yourself to yourself: aim for 10% better

“Focus on yourself and your kids. And try to compare yourself to yourself and strive to make the next day 10% better. So that is something you have control over. Because the reality is you have no control over what’s going on with other people. And there’s always somebody that’s going to have more money than you, more help than you.”

Also, I really hate when people say we have the same 24 hours in a day as Beyoncé, because Beyoncé has so much more help. Just saying.

Give yourself grace

“One of the things that I offer, I think more than anything else when I’m doing therapy, is really supporting my clients in giving themselves grace, and rewarding themselves for the 10% that they did better.”

Quick answers

Why do other moms make it look so easy?
You’re comparing your internal experience with their external one. Some of them are finding it easy, but some are masking, and you have no idea how much struggle is going on inside.

How do I stop comparing myself to other moms?
Compare yourself to yourself. Focus on you and your kids and aim to make the next day 10% better, because that’s the part you control.

What does masking mean for moms?
Making it look easy on the outside while struggling on the inside.

Do we all have the same 24 hours as Beyoncé?
No. There’s always somebody with more money or more help than you, and Beyoncé has so much more help.

Watch the reel on Instagram

Who needed this today? Tell me on the reel.

More from Ask Dr. Mom: how to get support from a partner without ADHD (part 4) and 3 tips for parents with ADHD (part 5). Plus why solo parenting is a marathon.

This is general information, not medical advice. Dr. Adwoa Akhu is a clinical psychologist, and her answers above are in her words. Find her on Instagram at @adhdparentdoc.